Oh, how mighty is my sorrow when I think of the books I’ve slain… My bosom heaves, my brow furrows. Tears drip like rain. Blood runs in rivers like thick, dark wine. Meaty manflesh rises at my bidding, plunging like sausages into tight, tender rosebuds of fluttering anal muscles that grip like pythons and clench and milk stuff. (They MILK STUFF?) Women’s parts weep like honey and flow like sap and glisten and goodness only knows what the hell else.

I am Purple Prose. I am a gate-crasher. I am a line-crosser.  And I will eat your lunch. (Then sometimes, I’ll make you throw it up after, just for giggles.)

I’m not going to single anyone out here, and seriously, man. I’m not casting that first stone. We all try shit that doesn’t work. I’ve HEARD my editors clear their throats from several states away. Thank heavens God made editors. They provide that much needed reality-check for aspiring authors everywhere.

To see what I mean, it only takes a little trip to our beloved “weepingcock” community at live journal HERE: weepingcock

Let us refer to the text shall we? There’s an abundance of You Might Be A…(Fill in the Blank) self-help books out there. To that I’d add:

You might be a friend of Purple Prose if you’ve ever written…

Anyone’s anus itched to have someone inside it.

This isn’t prose. It’s an STD.

eloquent phallic erection

Okay, hello. Talking dick?

The ultimate male explosion

To be fair this came from a vitamin supplement add. But it made me wonder about the penultimate male explosion and from exactly where on a man’s body that might come.

And for the ladies…

hot slimy fluids into her sexually ravaged swampy depths

There are no lengths to which some women’s swampy depths won’t go to build up a good head of SLIME.

bathed him in her cherry-red smile (Credit belongs to Jonathon Franzen for this one.)

Jonathon, I know you can take criticism from me all the way to the bank, laughing. But seriously. Dude. I liked the “jismic, grunting butt-oink”. But the cherry red smile? No can do, man. Purple Prose has flown over your WIP once too often and left a surprise you forgot to wipe off.

ZA Maxfield is a romantic, erotic writer. You can find out more about her at her site: http://zamaxfield.com/

Here is some information on her latest release:

Stirring Up Trouble
ZA Maxfield
Manlove Romance Press
Available in Ebook & Print
LGBT Contemporary Romance
Buy at:
Amazon
MLR Press

Blurb:
Toby Andrews is cooking up more than a little trouble for Evan Blankenship. Because of pranks, indiscretions, and plain bad timing, his ability to work in New York’s temples of haute cuisine is a thing of the past. When Toby’s sister tells him he should look up an acquaintance whose restaurant — Le Potiron –is failing, he doesn’t have much choice.

Pretty soon he’s in bed, literally, with a cook who hates people, trying to save a restaurant that only the neighborhood mothers seem to love, and on the verge of another –possibly painful — lesson or two about what it means to be successful.

Evan hates everyone but Toby. Toby likes to stir things up. See what’s on the menu at Le Potiron, in Stirring Up Trouble.

For more information about her latest release, Stirring up Trouble, please click on the cover.