Oh, how mighty is my sorrow when I think of the books I’ve slain… My bosom heaves, my brow furrows. Tears drip like rain. Blood runs in rivers like thick, dark wine. Meaty manflesh rises at my bidding, plunging like sausages into tight, tender rosebuds of fluttering anal muscles that grip like pythons and clench and milk stuff. (They MILK STUFF?) Women’s parts weep like honey and flow like sap and glisten and goodness only knows what the hell else.
I am Purple Prose. I am a gate-crasher. I am a line-crosser. And I will eat your lunch. (Then sometimes, I’ll make you throw it up after, just for giggles.)
I’m not going to single anyone out here, and seriously, man. I’m not casting that first stone. We all try shit that doesn’t work. I’ve HEARD my editors clear their throats from several states away. Thank heavens God made editors. They provide that much needed reality-check for aspiring authors everywhere.
To see what I mean, it only takes a little trip to our beloved “weepingcock” community at live journal HERE: weepingcock
Let us refer to the text shall we? There’s an abundance of You Might Be A…(Fill in the Blank) self-help books out there. To that I’d add:
You might be a friend of Purple Prose if you’ve ever written…
Anyone’s anus itched to have someone inside it.
This isn’t prose. It’s an STD.
eloquent phallic erection
Okay, hello. Talking dick?
The ultimate male explosion
To be fair this came from a vitamin supplement add. But it made me wonder about the penultimate male explosion and from exactly where on a man’s body that might come.
And for the ladies…
hot slimy fluids into her sexually ravaged swampy depths
There are no lengths to which some women’s swampy depths won’t go to build up a good head of SLIME.
bathed him in her cherry-red smile (Credit belongs to Jonathon Franzen for this one.)
Jonathon, I know you can take criticism from me all the way to the bank, laughing. But seriously. Dude. I liked the “jismic, grunting butt-oink”. But the cherry red smile? No can do, man. Purple Prose has flown over your WIP once too often and left a surprise you forgot to wipe off.
ZA Maxfield is a romantic, erotic writer. You can find out more about her at her site: http://zamaxfield.com/
Here is some information on her latest release:
Stirring Up Trouble
Manlove Romance Press
Available in Ebook & Print
LGBT Contemporary Romance
Toby Andrews is cooking up more than a little trouble for Evan Blankenship. Because of pranks, indiscretions, and plain bad timing, his ability to work in New York’s temples of haute cuisine is a thing of the past. When Toby’s sister tells him he should look up an acquaintance whose restaurant — Le Potiron –is failing, he doesn’t have much choice.
Pretty soon he’s in bed, literally, with a cook who hates people, trying to save a restaurant that only the neighborhood mothers seem to love, and on the verge of another –possibly painful — lesson or two about what it means to be successful.
Evan hates everyone but Toby. Toby likes to stir things up. See what’s on the menu at Le Potiron, in Stirring Up Trouble.
For more information about her latest release, Stirring up Trouble, please click on the cover.
I once wrote “His lips opened like spontaneous sunflowers” (stop laughing please) – I was very very purple once, I hope i’m improving.
Yeah, and I’m sure I’ve used “weeping cock” a number of times! Oh no! I thought if Anne Rice could get alway with it, I could, too. Maybe not, huh? LOL
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@Erastes: I write whatever my editors let me get away with. I think opening like spontaneous sunflowers is both inventive a yes… a teensy bit sporkable. But I’ve been a huge fan of your work forever so you must be doing something right…
@Christie you know what? Whatever works, you know? I try stuff, and sometimes later, live to regret it. But I figure we all do. There are probably times when having a weeping cock is exactly the right thing.
I hope everyone realizes that the examples I’ve used could just as easily be taken from my own work…. LOL! There is just no perfect way to write about such an imperfect, messy thing as sex.
Hi ZAM, great article. I was laughing from all the purple prose examples. I think every author does this in one form or another. Just a rite of passage I guess. 🙂
I’ve had my share of “O.O….really” in my editors’ comments. lol!
OH GAWD! Those lines are so stupid!! *nearly passes out from laughing*
That reminds me when I was in middle school writing a lot of straight erotica. Oh GOSH DID IT SUCK!! I have switched over to Male on Male erotica, but I focus more on the plot than the sex. I believe my sex scenes have improved. Still you really have to experiment and find what words are best to use and try not to be repetitive. Everyone finds out sooner or later what “lousy sex scenes” are.